Introducing America’s First Non-Offensive Newspaper

Clark Writes Editor-in-Chief Jess Hoops introduces The Air, the first non-offensive newspaper in the United States. After six semesters in George Feeny’s class with Topanga and Shaun at John Adams High School, Hoops was able to finalize this piece, carefully crafting the least offensive independent and dependent clauses and cautiously choosing noncontroversial words one at a time. “The hardest part of writing process was calling all of my friends from my old liberal arts college after every paragraph and PC checking the content. I almost lost two friends during the process, both of whom had minor heart-attacks after hearing me wish them a Merry Christmas.”

Tyler Sirokman

the air

Nov. 14, 2022

NEW YORK — Former Manhattan Post copy editor Christopher Harkson has recently founded The Air, a publication that is quickly becoming known as America’s first completely non-offensive newspaper.

For as long as he can remember, Harkson has dreamed of revolutionizing American journalism. “I was just so disgusted with the appalling abundance of articles that failed to report issues I was personally concerned about, or contained opinions other than my own,” he recalled. “It was absolutely horrific. I remember one piece in particular; it was a report on Starbucks’ ‘Green Cups,’ which were reusable travel mugs that came in the company’s standard cup sizes. The idea seemed innocent enough, but do you know what one of the ‘Green Cup’ designs was? It said “Save the Rainforests.” I’m being completely serious. I simply could not understand how someone would have the indecency to launch such a deliberate attack on temperate forests. Temperate forests matter too! All forests matter!”

When asked about the inspiration for his newspaper’s title, Harkson responded, “We conducted a series of incredibly extensive surveys in which we asked participants to read through a list of words and mark any they considered to be offensive in any way. As it turns out, ‘air’ is the only word that absolutely nobody is upset by.”

The Air got off to a somewhat rocky start as Harkson struggled to find writers who truly met the publication’s standard of non-offensiveness, and several (who will remain unnamed) were quickly terminated for abhorrent instances of misconduct, including harassment of vegan coworkers (eating a turkey sandwich for lunch) and persecution of atheist coworkers (parking a car with a “COEXIST” bumper sticker in the employee lot). Fortunately, Harkson was eventually able to organize a phenomenal team of writers, including the award-winning columnist Melissa Soren, who recently unregistered to vote in order to avoid distressing her readers with the possibility of being politically influenced. She has publicly stated that her greatest hope is “to live to see the First Amendment replaced with the American citizen’s inherent right to remain unconditionally unoffended.”

Harkson dismissed the initially widespread opposition from other major publications quite eloquently. “This is 2022. People don’t want to be informed. People don’t want to read stories with meaningless qualities such as ‘literary merit’ or so-called ‘interesting perspectives.’ What this country needs is a platform that provides the highest quality of universally non-offensive content, and that is The Air,” he said, holding up a copy of the first print issue, which contains no less than 25 pristinely blank, completely non-offensive pages. “We are the proud future of American journalism.”


 

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