Drunken Kid Freestyling at Party Realizes Potential for Rap Career

This is a story about that one kid at your house party every weekend and, well, maybe you are that kid. One thing’s for sure though, the author of this satire, Tom Matthews, is definitely not that kid.

One fall night at a party at 27 Clifton Street freshman college student Jacob Smith was drinking Busch beer and turning up with his friends when one of them began to freestyle. Intrigued by his friend’s newly acquired confidence, and the attention he was now receiving from everyone at the party, Jacob decided to join in.

After three times of announcing to everyone that he was about to “go in” but backing out at the last second, each time shaking his head and hand that wasn’t holding his Busch beer, he suggested, “Yo, let’s put on an instrumental.” Shorty after Jacob and his friends stopped punching each other in the arm and yelling “duuuuudeee!” (in awe of Jacob’s brilliant idea), Jacob plugged in his iPhone into his friends sick stereo system he bought off some guy from Craigslist.

After consecutively rhyming every other six words for a total of 15.5 seconds, Jacob realized he had a true gift for delivering rhyming words in a seducing flow. As the night went on, Jacob continued to freestyle over instrumental beats with his friends all the while drinking Busch beer and hitting a blunt, but not inhaling (but don’t worry his friends didn’t know he wasn’t inhaling).

Later in the evening Jacob faced a little adversity when his iPhone died, and thus the music with it.  This left Jacob’s voice as the only audible noise, leaving people able to decipher each and every one of his words—no longer was he able to make up noises and words that would normally sound like real rhymes when drowned out by an insanely loud beat. Jacob’s “homie” Tyler aka “TyCon” aka “DJ T Dik” saved the night though when he realized he too had his phone on him and he could plug it in and play some fresh beats.

Jacob and his friends continued freestyling even after everyone from the party had gone home. They stood around in a tight circle, respectfully taking turns freestyling and offering one another encouraging head bobs and shouts of “ooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!” and “OK!” after hearing one another’s incredibly ingenious lyrical wordplay. After another two hours of doing this, Jacob left 27 Clifton and walked back to his dorm room with a prideful smirk as he realized he know knew what he wanted to do with his life. His next step would be to email his Leep advisor Evette Walters and set up a meeting to plan a Leep project.

Jacob met with Mrs. Walters the following week, although he was surprised to find out that she had no idea who he was regardless of their constant communication back and forth via email for the past week. “That’s okay, she’s just a hater. She’ll know me one day,” he thought as he uncomfortably sat in a chair across from her desk while she fuddled papers around and let music play from her computer even though they were in a meeting. Jacob informed her that he wanted to do a Leep project this upcoming summer in which he would write and produce a fire mixtape. Mrs. Walters was confused from they very beginning as she wasn’t exactly sure what a Leep project was and had to go get someone else who kind of, but still didn’t really have any idea what a Leep project was, come in and speak with him. This new person was concerned Jacob’s proposed project didn’t have much academic merit. Jacob interrupted her mid-sentence to ask for her name so he could jot it down as he was going to later write a diss track in which he would go on to take out the entire Leep department.

Jacob left the meeting feeling disenchanted, but that disenchantment quickly faded away when he realized Drake never did a Leep project to kick start his rap career, which meant he didn’t need to either, and he confidently decided he would drop his mixtape himself with no help from a label or faculty advisor.

Upon arriving home, Jacob shared a link to his soundcloud page which featured a thirty second clip of him freestyling over Kanye West’s “All of the Lights” with a status that read, “New mixtape coming soon.” As of this morning there has only been one like and comment from his uncle Ricky that read, “Can’t wait to hear it kiddo.”


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